Making Soccer Great Again….



 

As someone with a lifelong interest in ‘The Beautiful Game’, I was somewhat alarmed at a recent report from the US concerning possible changes to its rules….

Fresh from his triumph in getting the Iranians to agree a deal, ‘The Donald’ seems to have found time in his busy schedule to address the subject of sport reform, and is keen to ‘make soccer great again’ (MSGA) as a first step in this important part of his ‘legacy’.

High level discussions last week concerning the MAGA agenda have apparently spawned a grand plan for sports reform, which is designed to coincide with the US’s hosting of the football (or Soccer as it’s more correctly referred to in the US) World Cup this summer.  Trump has not been actively following the tournament himself,  but he did take the trouble to view part of a match last week to "see what the heck they’re up to, and whether we can get something useful out of it."

He went on the record as remarking that he “…thought soccer was inherently a much more boring game than Football (i.e. 'proper' American football)” and “we should take the opportunity to liven up the game a bit while they’re all over here”.  He also thought that introducing a rule change could be a great business opportunity for the US worldwide as the expert practitioners of the ‘New Football’.

His VP, who is a keen fisherman and is not really a fan of ‘silly’ european team games such a soccer, replied “Great idea, boss, let’s ‘sock it to’ those crazy Europeans” (some members of the president’s entourage were seen physically wincing at this attempt at a pun on the VP’s part - they have since been disciplined).

Various ideas were put forward at a recent cabinet meeting which had sport reform high on its agenda. The most popular proposal was to change the rules to include the “best bits of our favourite autumn and winter sports (i.e. US Football, Basketball and ice-hockey)”.

Trump, who is still very much in deal-making mode, and currently revelling in his recent success in solving ‘the Iranian problem’ , quickly accepted this suggestion as his own and added that he could ‘make a great deal’ with FIFA for a rule change, which could be brought in after the end of the tournament’s group stages. He was quoted as saying “I’ll make ‘em an offer they can’t refuse…they’re short of cash and I’m certain they’ll respond well to a few billion extra in their funds to cover ‘administrative costs’. Their only alternative would be to move the tournament elsewhere, as I'll make sure they do if they won’t play ball. See if you can buy some of their stock for me before we settle and the price goes up…or maybe we should just buy them outright ?”.

Assuming FIFA do agree to the deal, aren't subject to a buy out, and don’t opt to move the tournament elsewhere, the new rules would apply to the whole of the knockout phase. Homeland Security agreed that strict monitoring via VAR should be applied and ICE confirmed that enforcement apparatus would be readily available to deal with any attempt by players or team managers at non-compliance. This would be actioned by removal of the individual(s) involved to the nearest ICE detention centre, pending deportation ‘whenever we feel like it’. 

A detailed draft of the new rules hasn’t yet been released by the Press Secretary, but we understand this will be ready in time for teams reaching the knockout stages to prepare to play with the new improved rules (for a day or two at least!).

However, we do have access to a leaked draft document from the meeting, which revealed the following:

1)      Pitch layout: Although the traditional soccer goalposts and pitch layout will remain, additional US Football-style posts and will be added 10m behind the soccer goal within a touchdown area to allow field goals and touchdowns to be scored. Enlarged basketball-style hoops will also be available at either end of the pitch 20 feet above ground level to enable an additional alternative points scoring route.

2)      Points can be scored as follows: ‘Traditional’ soccer goal (must be scored either by kicking or heading the ball through the posts) 3 points. Soccer goal or touchdown conversion (kicked from a point level with the penalty spot and aligned with the touchdown point through field goal posts) 2 points. Field goal (ball must touch the ground before being kicked over the posts) 3 points. Touchdown in area behind soccer goal (3 points). Basketball goal (2 points)

3)      Tackling and mode of play: Team size stays the same at 11 per side; Players may handle the ball and may be tackled as per US football. A player need not be in possession of the ball to be a legitimate tackling target, but high tackles will be penalised for safety reasons. The handball and offside rules and the ban on forward passing do not apply due to the enhanced scoring options and mode of play.

4)      Additional options will be considered and finalised with FIFA before June 25th. A suggestion that baseball bats or ice hockey sticks be provided to all players was rejected on safety grounds.

Although its obvious  that some concessions to the original soccer rules have been made, and the new format rules include borrowings from US football, Ruby Union (which Trump apparently quite likes because as a contact sport it reminds him of cage-fighting) and basketball. 

Playing the knockout stages according to these new rules is expected to present the teams and their support organisations with quite a ‘challenge’, to say the least. There will be some objections from the UK FA and other worldwide soccer governing bodies, but FIFA is unlikely to turn down ‘an offer they can’t refuse’ from Trump in the present circumstances.

Appropriate pitch modifications at all contributing stadia (see Figure 1) will need to be rushed through to meet the start of the knockout stage on June 28th

We await the results of this new departure with interest – the ‘beautiful game’ may never be quite the same again….

First published 4/1/2026; Revised 6/17/2026

Figure 1: Proposed New Pitch Layout

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