Making Soccer Great Again….

 

As someone with a lifelong interest in ‘The Beautiful Game’, I must confess to being somewhat alarmed at a recent rumour emanating from the US concerning possible changes to its rules….particularly since FIFA will be keen to 'keep Trump on side'...while the current tournament is in progress, at least.

The problem, as I understand it, is this. 

Fresh from his 'triumph' in getting the Iranians to agree a deal ‘The Donald’ seems to have found time in his busy schedule to address the subject of sport reform. He appears to have decided to adopt a flagship campaign to ‘Make Soccer Great Again’ (already christened as MSGA) as a first step in this important aspect of his legacy.

According to recent reports, high level discussions last week within the administration concerning promoting the MAGA agenda have apparently spawned a 'Grand Plan' for sports reform, both in the US and worldwide. The start of his administration's campaign was designed to coincide with the US’s hosting of the football (or Soccer as it’s more correctly referred to in the US) World Cup this summer.  Trump, having been rather busy with other matters recently, has not been actively following the group stages of the tournament himself, having left it to his minions to keep their collective fingers on the pulse. He did however, take the trouble to view part of a match last week to "see what the heck they’re up to, and whether we can get something useful out of it."

After reviewing progress of the tournament, and assessing the current suitability of 'the beautiful game', he went on the record as remarking that he thought “…soccer is obviously a much more boring game than Football (i.e. 'proper' American football)” and “...if we're going to go on playing it over here, we should take the opportunity to liven the game up a bit....and do it while we hold all the cards. We should take the opportunity while the rest of the world are over here to show them we mean business in future (particularly those free-loading europeans!)”.  He also said he thought that introducing a series of rule changes could be a great business opportunity for the US worldwide by "setting ourselves up as the experts in the ‘New Football' ".

His VP, who is a keen fisherman and definitely not a fan of ‘silly’ european team games like soccer, was heard to remark “Great idea, boss, let’s ‘sock it to’ those crazy Europeans” (some members of the president’s entourage were seen to be physically wincing at this attempt at a pun on the VP’s part - after a careful review of the Fox TV footage by JDV, several of them were fired).

Various ideas were formalised at a recent cabinet meeting which had sport reform high on its agenda. The most popular proposal was to 'update' the rules to include the “best bits of our favourite autumn and winter sports (i.e. US Football, Basketball and Ice-hockey)”.

Trump, who is still very much in deal-making mode, and still reveling in his recent success in 'solving the Iranian problem’, quickly accepted this suggestion as his own and added that he was sure he could ‘make a great deal’ with FIFA involving a re-vamp and extensive rule changes for the game, which might even be brought in as early as the end of the tournament’s group stages. This would mean it could be 'field-tested' during the knockout phase. 

He was quoted as saying “I’ll make ‘em an offer they can’t refuse…I know they’re short of cash and I’m certain they’ll respond well to a few billion extra in their funds to cover ‘administrative costs’. Their only alternative would be to move the tournament elsewhere -  I'll make sure they do if they won’t play ball. And JD, see if you can buy some of their stock for me before we make the deal and the price goes up…or... maybe we should just buy them outright ?”.

Although the FIFA buyout was turned down by their management 'with regret', Trump's 11th hour request to 'undo' the Red Card meted out to their star player before the Belgium match was granted as a peace offering. Much good did it do the US team, who were firmly trounced by a fired-up Belgian squad, to the delight of European fottballers everywhere. FIFA have done themselves no good over this, and will have some explaining to do going forward. 

Homeland Security have agreed that strict monitoring of compliance with any rule changes or 'other infringements' via V.A.R.  ICE have confirmed that enforcement apparatus would be readily available to deal with any attempt by players or team managers at non-compliance. This would be actioned by removal of the individual team manager(s) and players involved to the nearest ICE detention centre, pending their deportation ‘whenever we feel like it’. Infringements by US team members would also be subject to a warning, but they would obviously not be deported (provided they have the correct paperwork, of course).

A detailed draft of the new rules hasn’t yet been released by the White House Press Secretary, but we understand this will be ready in time for those lucky teams reaching the quater finals to play with the new improved rules.

However, in the interim, we have had sight of a wiki-leaked draft document from the meeting, which revealed the following details:

1)      Pitch layout: Although the traditional soccer goalposts and pitch layout will remain, additional US Football-style posts and will be added 10m behind the soccer goal within a touchdown area to allow field goals and touchdowns to be scored. Enlarged basketball-style hoops will also be available at either end of the pitch 20 feet above ground level to allow an additional alternative points scoring route.

2)      Points can be scored as follows: ‘Traditional’ soccer goal (must be scored either by kicking or heading the ball through the posts): 3 points. Soccer goal or touchdown conversion (kicked from a point level with the penalty spot and aligned with the touchdown point through field goal posts): 2 points. Field goal (ball must touch the ground before being kicked over the posts): 3 points. Touchdown in area behind soccer goal: 3 points; Touchdown conversion: 2 points. Basketball goal: 2 points.

3)      Tackling and mode of play: Team size stays the same at 11 per side; no limit on substitutions. Players may handle the ball and may be tackled as per US football. A player need not be in possession of the ball to be a legitimate tackling target, but high tackles will be penalised for safety reasons. The handball and offside rules and the ban on forward passing will no longer apply due to the enhanced scoring options and new mode of play.

4)      Additional options and more detailed rules will be considered and finalised in 'consultation' with FIFA before June 25^th. Mercifully, an original suggestion by the Defence Secretary that baseball bats or ice hockey sticks be provided to all players to 'liven things up even further' was rejected on safety grounds on advice from the insurance industry.

Although its obvious  that some concessions to the original soccer rules have been made, and the new format rules include borrowings from US Football, Ruby Union (which Trump apparently quite likes because as a contact sport it 'reminds him of cage-fighting') and basketball. 

Playing the knockout stages according to these new rules is expected to present the teams and their support organisations with quite a ‘challenge’, to say the least. There will be some objections from the UK FA and other worldwide soccer governing bodies, but FIFA is unlikely to turn down ‘an offer they can’t refuse’ from Trump in the present circumstances.

If early adoption is agreed, appropriate pitch modifications at all contributing stadia to provide the extra facilities needed (see Figure 1) would need to be rushed through in time to meet the start of the knockout stage on June 28^th 

We await the results of this new initiative on the President's part with interest – a presidential order is expected to be signed shortly. 

I suspect the ‘beautiful game’ may never be quite the same again….

First published 4/1/2026; Revised 6/19/2026

Figure 1: Artist's Impression of Proposed Pitch Layout for "New Soccer".