On the Subject of...Cats

Much water has flowed under the bridge since I first published this exposé of our relationship with domestic cats. As an honorary Civil Servant, the UK's high level Downing St. representative, Larry the Cat, has, as always, figured large in decision making behind the scenes, and has displayed some frustration recently at the way things seem to be going. 

Keen-eyed observers of nightly BBCTV news may have noticed  Larry making a surprise entrance through the #10 front door in Monday evening's broadcast. The door opened as if by magic at his approach, suggesting he was expected for an important meeting of state. It is probably no coincidence that a major decision on the fate of HS2 is in the offing. Larry is normally reticent about things political, but went on the record recently in a press interview as voicing serious concerns about the project  – you can read a summary of his interview at the end of this expose. 

The rumours circulating recently that Larry might be retiring shortly are unfounded - Larry is quoted as saying that "...the 'ripe old age' of 17 just gives me that extra experience and wisdom necessary to ensure Britain is properly run...you can be assured that I'll be in the job for plenty more cat years yet...and when the time comes, my knowledge and experience will be passed to my physical replacement" 

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Amidst these dark, cold days of mid-winter, with the cost of living crisis still ongoing and a plethora of other assorted woes,  I think a little light-hearted relief is perhaps called for…..on the subject of our ‘furry friends’.

The following is a transcript of a document obtained by WikiLeaks from the CIA’s December 2022 ‘Items of Interest’ Restricted distribution:

Domesticated Cats: Are They a Blessing or a Threat ? 

Introduction

Most of us have daily contact with domesticated cats, whether or not we actually ‘own’ one. But do we really understand these ubiquitous but enigmatic animals ?....I suspect not – and that’s the way they want it.

Here’s why…..

First, some background. Modern humans have something of a love-hate relationship with our feline friends, but some of our ancestors actually revered them as almost godlike beings. Cats were represented in the religious practices of ancient Egypt, and were highly regarded. As I hope the following exposé will show, perhaps they knew something we don’t…

Unlike dogs (our other most popular domesticated pet species in the UK) which tend to be subservient to their owners, cats are definitely a law unto themselves and regard their presence in our households more as honoured guests, rather than as our ‘property’ as we see them. 

Although they will, if absolutely necessary, tolerate cohabiting dogs, the relationship is very much ‘at arms length’, and the dog, however large and imposing,  will always get to know who’s boss – usually sooner rather than later if they are unwise enough to display any aggressive tendencies. The classic definition of impossibility ‘..like trying to herd cats..’ is merely a reflection of a cat’s behavioural mind-set when it comes to their human hosts..and any cohabiting animal 'hangers on'.

There are good reasons for this behaviour. Felis catus, to give the species its latinised species name, has found a prime niche as a ‘pet’ species in association with humans. 

This was an extremely clever evolutionary move on their part, as it took advantage of the psychological need in humans to keep animals as pets, and their facility for responding to basic mind control. It also foresaw the fact that Homo Sapiens was likely to become the most numerous and technically adept mammalian species on the planet, thereby offering a guaranteed meal ticket, at least until our species went extinct. It effectively guaranteed them warmth, comfort, free healthcare and an absence of any money worries, and a long and happy ‘retirement’ from any sort of physical labour. 

There were of course a few hiccups along the way, the principal one being the need to adapt to ‘petting’ requirements (e.g. learning not to gouge out their host’s childrens' eyes when manhandled a bit too roughly), but cats have managed to achieve these minor adjustments par excellence, and are now perfectly adapted to their superbly symbiotic-parasitic existence. 

Having put much time and resource into their efforts in acquiring their chosen niche, quite understandably they instinctively guard it jealously against all interlopers. Hence they are programmed to 'take out' any other pets which might compete for their human host’s affections. The likes of goldfish, mice, pet rats, hamsters, etc. are unlikely to survive long in a cat household. That's not to say that your cat particularly enjoys the process of fishing a goldfish out of a disgustingly wet and smelly fishtank and dismembering it, but - needs must if the wretched thing is getting too much attention...

One interesting aspect of cats' behaviour is their attitude towards smaller wild animals such as birds and rodents, who do not actually pose a direct threat as competitors. These creatures often fall prey to our cats - the greatest perceived threat to wild bird populations in our towns and cities is acknowledged to be the domestic cat.  This destructive behaviour is normally attributed to their hunting 'instinct' as a throwback to more straitened times when they actually needed to hunt for food rather than being presented with it literally ‘on a plate’. 

More recent data, however,  suggest this is a misconception. Cats will often bring their ‘kill’ into their host’s house, (often still half alive), usually to the accompaniment of screams of horror from the female members of the household. In making this gesture, though, the cat is merely trying to ‘keep its host sweet’ by contributing its kill to the common good, and is quite rightly affronted and aggrieved by the reception it usually gets. If your cat does this for you, a grateful stroke, rather than a stream of invective, will earn you many brownie points with your pet – and with ‘Cat Central' (see Footnote1). Apart from anything else, cats have very sensitive hearing, and really don't appreciate being shouted at.

How did domestic cats originate ? On earth, cats diverged from the large cat species (lions, tigers, leopards) quite early in the evolutionary pathway, and are much more closely related to the pantherae. Domestication occurred from wild cat species, and as already discussed, was for them the ‘big break’. 

It is no coincidence that the big cat species all mortally hate their domesticated distant relatives and are insanely jealous of their good fortune. A big cat will happily tear a domestic cat limb from limb if it gets the chance, just to 'get even'. Domestic cats know this full well, and will run a mile if they detect the slightest trace of a big cat’s scent. Lion urine is reputed to be one of the most powerful domestic cat repellents known. However, many of the big cat species are now endangered through loss of habitat – to the delight of domestic cats everywhere. This is not just a coincidence – human activity has largely engineered it. What many humans are unaware of, however, is that this has been at the direction of….their cats.

How have cats managed to achieve their prime position and their dominance over other terrestrial species ?

Psychology and Mind Control

Cat owners will be well aware of the calming and pleasurable feeling they get when petting their animals. This is due to a combination of active mind control on the part of the cat, and the nature of their purr, which is specifically designed to induce release of the ‘bonding’ hormone, oxytocin in their human hosts.  Cats are well aware of their power over humans in this respect, and use it extensively to their advantage.

Cats also have a sophisticated system of intra-species communication often referred to as the ‘Whiskernet’(see Footnote2). This  network enables them to communicate over vast distances without the need for any form of external power source. Reception and transmission requires only an intact set of whiskers – this is why no cat will ever allow interference with this item of their anatomy under any circumstances (you have been warned !). It is interesting to note that very early human radio sets employed a simple diode as a rectifier which was termed a ‘Cat’s Whisker’ – This wasn’t of course a real cat’s whisker (heaven forbid such an atrocity!) but was named because of its physical and electronic resemblance to the real thing. Little did its inventors know how close they came to the truth when they named this device...

All cats are equipped with whiskernet communication from birth, and its inter-connectivity gives kittens access to the sum total of cat knowledge from the start of their lives. This is why kittens often look a little bemused and tire easily - all that knowledge so early in one's first life can be hard work, takes some getting used to !  The facility avoids the need for physical cat ‘schools’ and allows the animal to download and absorb knowledge ‘on the fly’....while managing to have a 'good kip' at the same time. Next time you see your kitten twitching in its sleep after a long frisk , it will probably be absorbing information at the sort of terabit rates which would put our primitive server and broadband connections to shame. Whiskernet is also independent of the speed of light, so can be used to communicate with any feline species equipped with whiskernet connectivity on the many other habitable feline-supporting planets, both in our own galaxy and beyond.

Given their cat’s prodigious abilities, you might well ask why humans still pose the question of whether life exists elsewhere in the universe, when their cats already know the answer.... 

The solution to this riddle is that although cats are perfectly capable of communicating with other terrestrial species via ‘sub-whiskernet’ connections, they are strictly forbidden to release any information to humans which might adversely affect their relationship. There is also a question of feline health & safety. If a cat were proven to be actually ‘talking’ to its owner, it would be at grave risk of becoming the subject of extensive experimentation, given the human animal's tendency to dismember anything it doesn’t quite understand. 

Hence cats are required to maintain sub-whiskernet ‘radio silence’ with humans at all times. Any communication with its owner must be via non-verifiable means, and wherever possible should be undetectable by the host. ‘Standard’ mind control (equivalent to our bluetooth, but vastly more sophisticated, of course) is usually sufficient to get the necessary message across without giving the game away, and will maintain compliance in this respect.

Host Misbehaviour

Not unreasonably, cats expect at least respectful behaviour from their hosts, and there is an established 'etiquette' for our dealings with felines which has been built-in to our mindset. Inevitably, this sometimes goes wrong...

How do cats deal with humans who behave unfavourably towards them ?

Although incidences of cruelty are sometimes encountered, these are relatively rare, and cats have ensured that most humans have an innate revulsion towards cruelty against their species. Various specific human anti-cat cruelty agencies such as the RSPCA and the Cats Protection League have also emerged over the past century to enable humans to deal directly with ‘offenders’ in their midst (at the direction of Cat Central, of course). Whiskernet also ensures that all transgressions against cats are swiftly reported by the cats involved.

Cats are not normally allowed to retaliate by harming humans directly unless there is a threat to life. This is so as to preserve the integrity of the inter-species relationship, and to avoid provoking further aggression from the larger and therefore potentially dangerous human animal. However, indirect action, usually, but not always,  involving other humans as agents, is allowed, and can make life very difficult for the human offender. The classic warning of a first offence transgression will often be an overnight ‘offering’ left in a prominent position in the middle of a front lawn as a warning to others. This will need to be cleared up rapidly to avoid permanent damage to the turf. If this happens to you, don't ignore it.  Quite apart from the damage to your lawn, you will have transgressed in some way, and will need to make amends to avoid further retribution... 

Any further offences are then met with increasingly pervasive interference with the offender’s lifestyle, and are generally effective in eliminating further deviant behaviour. 

(Editor's note: Cat faeces are normally well-concealed in situ by design, and contain one of the ‘stickiest’ and malodourous substances known to man, which binds irreversibly to keratin in human skin. Any contact with the skin ensures that the smell remains until the skin actually wears off. It is believed that skunk 'scent' was developed via a similar biochemical evolutionary pathway).

A particularly serious offence as far as Cat Central is concerned is ‘taking the name of the species in vain’. A notable occurrence of this type of blasphemy was the publication of Simon Bond’s book ‘101 Uses for a Dead Cat’ back in the 1980s. Cat Central took an especially dim view of this offence. It was made even more difficult to swallow by the fact that they were unable to decipher it, due to the fact that it was written entirely in pictorial code. Any question of mitigation for a 'first offence' was ruled out when the author brought out a sequel '101 More uses for a Dead Cat' which added insult to injury. The author disappeared under mysterious circumstances on a trip to India, where he was reputed to be researching a third book entitled '1001 Uses For a Dead Bengal Tiger'. Although no evidence of foul play was discovered, it is believed that Cat Central authorized a contract 'hit' in a rare collaboration with their distant 'big cat' relatives

Editors Note: Although I suspect I may be taking a grave risk of retribution here, you can download a copy of Bond's seminal first publication from my website for review. But keep it quiet.....

Political Aspects and Control

How much control do cats exert over world events ?

Cats have invested considerable time and resources in establishing their relationship with humans, and have done so over many millennia. They have long recognised that humans are not really to be trusted with the safety of the biosphere, given their warlike tendencies and their propensity to settle territorial disputes destructively, usually with significant collateral damage to non-combatants and the environment. Cat Central have therefore kept a very close eye on our political leaders throughout the ages and cultivated special relationships with them in order to exert maximum restraining influence.

Winston Churchill was a confirmed cat enthusiast from an early stage in his political career and worked with a succession of them over his long and remarkable career (see also Figure 1). Our wartime success against the 3rd Reich will almost certainly have been influenced by these relationships. (Hitler was deemed to be dangerously 'beyond the pale' by Cat Central after Kristallnacht and remained 'cat-less' throughout WWII.)

The advent of the atomic age and the first use in WWII of atomic weapons presented a particular problem for Cat Central in that it was obliged to come up with a mechanism to prevent any further use of these weapons to the detriment of their habitat – and do so quickly before the nuclear arms race progressed any further.

Avoiding destructive behaviour and maintaining the ‘status quo’ as far as possible is clearly in the interests of cats the world over. Military conflict of any sort is likely to threaten collateral damage to cats directly, as well as degrading valuable human host facilities, and needs to be prevented wherever possible. The best way to achieve a controlling influence directly was deemed to be by taking advantage of human hierarchical control structures and exerting close direct control over the minds of our human leaders.

It is thus no coincidence that cats are always found in close proximity to centres of government. In the UK, close observers of video footage of Downing Street announcements may occasionally have noticed the present No. 10 cat, Larry,  calmly but intently observing proceedings from a safe distance. 

These key ‘cat representatives’  are found in all high level government facilities, and are all experienced human manipulators. They play a vital role in preventing ‘errant’ human leaders from causing damage – indeed the oft-used quote “you’re never more than 6 feet from the nearest rat” should for our top politicians read  “.. You’re never more than 10 yards from your nearest cat advisor”. This is no coincidence.

So far this strategy has managed to achieve its objectives – it is a little known fact, for example,  that it was the Kremlin cat-in-residence at the time that ‘defused’ the Cuban Missile crisis of 1962 by influencing the thoughts of the then chairman Khrushchev, rather than any human intervention. (There have been notable exceptions, one of the most recent being the UK September 2022 financial crisis. Larry, who now has a twitter account, was unfortunately indisposed during the early stages of this debacle with a nasty dose of cat flu, having made little impression previously on the excesses of the recently elected new incumbent PM.  Larry recovered sufficiently for an urgent 'consultation' with Graham Brady between coughing fits. The financial markets were  successfully calmed following an appropriate change of personnel, and Larry is now working with the new Labour government to ensure their policies achieve stability via a strategy for controlled growth*.  

In an interview after the 2022 crisis, he was quoted a saying "....if you will keep interest rates artificially low for far too long, and just carry on printing a load of money you haven't got, this is the sort of mess you end up with. I blame that 'scamp' Carney. My colleague Marmaduke at the Bank of England warned him about this many times during his term of office, but he just wouldn't listen. Let's hope they've finally learnt their lesson at the BoE...it looks as though they may have - for now at least". 

Larry has already established a good working relationship with the new PM, and has been active in proposing a lasting solution to the EU-UK relationship and the immigration problem. He was a particular 'hit' during recent negotiations with Ursula von der Lyen, who always looks forward to a celebratory catch-up session with Larry when she visits Downing Street. He has, though, recently had cause to doubt whether the new PM is really up to the job, following several ill-advised policy decisions. As a senior citizen himself, he was particularly disturbed by the removal of the Winter Fuel Payment from most pensioners, and the PM's tendency to favour workers over everyone else. Larry has advised Cat Central that he may need to 'put his foot down' if any more benefit cuts or means testing is proposed. 

By contrast, the current Kremlin representative in Moscow unfortunately does have his work cut out, and has found Putin to be a particularly resistant case. Putin is also understood to have a penchant for keeping large dogs, which certainly doesn't help matters. Sergei, as the Kremlin cat is known, has already applied for ‘reinforcements’ to assist in his task. In a recent communiqué, Sergei was quoted as saying “….This b****r is a reet tuff nut ter crack…”(Sergei was in fact born and raised in Yorkshire by Russian immigrants, and only recently took up his post in Russia. He believes in 'saying it like it is', and doesn't pull his punches) “…he just sits at t' head of his bl***y-great dining table most of t’ time scowling at everybody and muttering to hisself. Every time I try to get close to him, I get shoo-ed away by t’ KGB agents, who reckon he’s terrified of my givin' him t’ cat flu. If I try to get into t’ b****rd’s mind, all I can see is some old maps of the Soviet Union, loads of weird religious icons flying around - and a crown…Happen I’ll be needing to use full-scale mind-force readjustment for this feller, and I’ll need some staff reinforcements and technical assistance ter do t' job properly. If that don't work, it'll just have to be regime change, although we all know that can be reet messy in Russia - we'll not be wantin' a repeat of 1917...”

Fortunately Xi Jinping has been an altogether easier subject, and has become quite attached to a Beijing-born tabby by the name of Fu Ba Xi (aka Tiddles), who has (so far!) had a much less exacting task. He managed to finally persuade his charge to abandon his ‘zero Covid’ policy, (although not before time, and a little too precipitately for comfort), and was successful in devising a suitable rapid vaccination strategy for Xi to implement to help reduce the human Covid death toll in China. This was a key priority for Tiddles now, since many of the elderly chinese ladies who hitherto have  provided such faithful support to their cats hadn’t been vaccinated properly and were dying in droves. Tiddles has also persuaded his 'charge' not to invade Taiwan on several occasions so far, and, being an ambitious beast, and unwilling to ‘quit while he’s ahead’, now has his sights set on Xi engineering a rapprochement with the West this year. Xi has regularly been observed recently stroking his adopted cat and gazing contentedly into space – Tiddles’ purr is obviously doing its job. We can only wish him many successful ‘purring sessions’ to come before his Beijing posting comes to an end.

Joe Biden is currently giving houseroom in the oval office to a pretty tortoise-shell named Elise, who hails from the Trump era and is reported to be much happier in her job since the 2021 election: 

“..Trump was a real nightmare to work with, and when I did manage to get him to settle down for a stroking session he couldn't keep his mind off 'fake news'. I once got my claws stuck in his orange hairpiece, which was really embarrassing.  I was really glad when he lost the election, but things did get a bit sticky on January 6th 2021 for a time before I was able to calm everyone down.  The new guy, Joe, is really great and a pleasure to be with, and has got his stroking technique 'off pat'. The only problem is that he keeps forgetting what I've told him to do.  I usually have a quick session with Kamala whenever there’s anything important afoot, just to be sure the instructions don’t get ‘lost in translation’…. I'm actively working behind the scenes to complete a smooth transition from Joe to Kamala in January, and ensure that awful creature Trump never gets near the White House again. I'm obviously rooting for Kamala in November, and am busy orchestrating the anti-Trump campaign as we speak"

The only complete failure in these important political endeavours so far has been the late controller in Tehran, an experienced and distinguished Persian pure-bred, who fell out of favour with the Ayatollah in late 2022 and was then promptly arrested by the religious police on a trumped-up charge of  'not covering his fur properly'. He was subsequently 'tried' and convicted on an additional more serious charge of spying for the West. Sadly he was ritually disemboweled recently by the Iranian Revolutionary Guard after being hung from a crane. Due to the suddenness of his demise, it was not possible to achieve full consciousness transfer, thus resulting in a total loss of his wisdom and experience. 

Cat Central was absolutely livid at this atrocity and has singled the whole Iranian governmental regime out for ‘some very special treatment’ as a result. For safety reasons the now vacant post in Tehran will not be re-filled until after regime change has occurred. In an unusual move, Cat Central has declared 'open season' on the perpetrators of this heinous crime and their proxies elsewhere in the interim (see also Figure 2), and has also enlisted the help of Mossad and the IDF, to ensure retribution is efficient and swift....so far, so good, although the need to 'keep the lid on things' must remain paramount to "..avoid collateral damage to our middle-eastern colleagues..". 

Although essential to maintain control, postings to ‘rogue states’ in general can be quite tricky for the appointee, as a recent dispatch from the Pyongyang representative reveals: “..Despite some initial ‘teething problems’, I’m really pleased to have managed to succeed in striking up a relationship with Chairman Kim over the past couple of years - he is quite cuddly really when you get to know him. I even got to meet the lovely Elise when Trump brought her over on Air Force One that time. I was happy to be able to help her over a rough patch she was going through with her charge. Please say ‘Hi’ to her for me. 

The one big problem I have now is that Kim will keep on letting off huge rockets from his back garden. I’ve never really liked fireworks, as you know, although I did manage to cope during my posting in London, where we just had a few go off around Guy Fawke’s and then at New Year and Diwali. But this chap lets them off all the year round - non-stop - and they're really loud. I just don’t know where he gets them all – the shops round here are all empty. He must be making them in his shed, I guess. I blame Trump for calling him ‘Rocketman’…. Also, I’ve caught one or two of the palace kitchen staff looking at me suspiciously and licking their lips recently - there aren't many dogs or other pets around any more either. I've already had 8 of my 9 lives (*see Footnote3) - could I request an  immediate extraction for personal reasons, please ?”. 

We can only hope that Cat Central agrees to a new posting before the inevitable happens….

It does appear that some of the more 'enlightened' political leaders are finally realising the immense contribution to their thinking that their cats can provide, as a  recent FT article shows. 

The Home Front

A close observer of cats might well ask – if cats are so efficient at avoiding global conflict, why do they appear so territorial close to home ? This is a perfectly reasonable question and it does reveal something of a paradox, given the existence of the whiskernet and the high degree of cooperativity within the worldwide cat network. The answer almost certainly lies in the need to optimise the efficiency with which cats 'manage' their human hosts.

As already discussed, cats have a natural instinct to inhabit the nearest and most comfortable human ‘space’ available. They will also move between spaces if the human 'service level' declines beyond a certain basic standard. This process of habitat rearrangement requires careful orchestration – the prime objective is to ensure that human housing potential is used to best effect, and no cat is left without a suitable home. Thus individual cats are encouraged to maintain their territories as far as possible. This helps develop and preserve a stable relationship with their host and encourages other cats seeking a new home to move to a vacant territory which is not being used, thereby maximising efficiency. (The need for more cat-friendly housing has been prioritised by Cat Central,  and is the reason why the new UK Government has set specific annual targets.)

The only problem is that the best territories in a given area are of course well known by the local cats – and highly sought after, and disputes between the competitors can get quite heated. These tend to occur especially in the early hours of the morning when the whole neighbourhood can be roused by a particularly prolonged and noisy caterwauling session. (Woe betide any human who intervenes with a bucket, though - your lawn is at risk!). These localised feline ‘tiffs’ are generally resolved without bloodshed – Cat Central rarely needs to intervene. All parties concerned eventually end up suitably housed, fed and watered, which is of course the prime objective of their relationship with us….

Conclusion

The domestic cat has engineered a near perfect symbiotic-parasitic relationship with its human hosts over many millennia and its influence has permeated all walks of human life. Its powerful telepathic and telecommunication faculties have enabled it to maintain control of its environment by manipulating its principal terrestrial host, Homo Sapiens. The fact that it has achieved this almost exclusively without the host species’ knowledge is a testament to its success as the de facto ‘ruler of the biosphere’. Human societies might do well to consider a similar cooperative model as that seen in cat 'society', and Cat Central is currently planning a campaign to promote more harmonious relations between nation states via its leadership advisors. This will, it is hoped, reduce the relatively high risk of extinction over the next few decades that the human species is currently experiencing.

Those humans fortunate enough to ‘own’ a cat should think well on their luck in having a ‘direct line’ to Cat Central, and ensure they behave appropriately to their 'guest(s)' in future…

I hope this brief look into the subject of feline behaviour has been of some interest to the intelligence community. Please regard the contents as restricted.

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*Footnote1 - Cat Central: Although whiskernet allows instantaneous contact between cats, there is no hierarchical structure in cat ‘society’ of the type seen in human societies. The long-range telepathic abilities of cats enable them to effectively ‘think as one’, thereby maximising their combined potential for thought and minimising individual disagreement and dissent. It also allows rapid real-time updating of their knowledge database and implementation of agreed instruction sets via nominated individuals. Whiskernet Integration Technologies (WITS) is a key factor in enabling real-time integration of cat thought processes and messaging.  Thus the term ‘Cat Central’ should be regarded as a synthesis of all cat consciousness, rather than an intelligence residing in a single individual or small group.

**Footnote2 - Whiskernet: The universal communication medium used by domestic cats. This system does not use the conventional electromagnetic spectrum and is therefore independent of the speed of light. Reception and transmission by individual cats requires an intact set of whiskers. The exact mechanism of transmission has not yet been revealed to human agencies. Its unlimited bandwidth allows real time updating of the thoughts and actions of cats worldwide, and is mediated by Cat Central (see Footnote 1). Instantaneous communication is also possible with feline populations that have evolved on other habitable planets in the ‘milky way’ galaxy. A variant of Whiskernet (sub-whiskernet technology, SWT) can be used to communicate with other animal species and with humans (this is heavily restricted for security reasons - see text).

***Footnote3 - Cat Longevity: A question frequently asked on this subject is “ ..do cats really have nine lives ?..”. The answer of course (in the conventional sense) is - no. As for other smaller mammals, their physical lifespan is considerably shorter than that of  humans and is normally limited to around 15 years – this reflects their higher metabolic and heart rates. The ‘nine lives’ misconception arises from the fact that cats are adept at avoiding accidents even in seemingly unsurvivable situations.

However, since the advent of whiskernet and the almost limitless storage capacity and data transfer rates it allows, it has been possible to store a cat’s ‘consciousness’ ex-corpore. This allows for limited reincarnation, but consciousness downloading must be carried out under controlled conditions and requires several hours. In practice, a limit of 9 ‘reincarnations’ (i.e. uploading of C-data streams into different physical bodies) of an individual consciousness has been adopted. This is to minimise the risk of corruption errors, given that it is impossible to eliminate these completely during any one reincarnation event. Your new kitten may well already have had a colourful past – if only it were allowed to reveal it to you….

Another interesting take on cat longevity and their 'existence stream' came to light recently from quantum physics research. Schrodinger's famous cat, used as an illustration of the state of elementary particles, turns out to be less mythical than previously thought, and has a direct application in relation to feline existence. As it happens, if you enclose a cat in a sealed box (don't try this at home - there will be consequences if you do !), it may actually change its existential state, so that only Cat Central knows whether it is there or not. This is a protective measure to prevent against suffocation, but allows the animal to escape from potentially fatal situations by changing its quantum state - hence the assertion that cats have 9 lives. In point of fact Schrodinger was wrong about the cat being destroyed whenever it was detected - cats can in fact survive the state change experience perfectly well, and literally survive to live another life.  

****Footnote 4 - Etiquette: This is a complex subject, and I won’t attempt to expound on it in detail. A few important ground rules should suffice to help keep you ‘out of trouble’:

·       1)  Never use the term ‘Pussy’ when addressing your cat. This has unfortunate connotations with respect to human anatomy and will be regarded by your cat as highly disrespectful.

·       2) Ensure that mealtimes are regular and as scheduled – your cat will not appreciate being kept waiting for its breakfast, particularly on cold, wet mornings, and will inform you of this in no uncertain terms if it occurs. Failure to comply within a reasonable timeframe is likely to result in your cat making alternative arrangements elsewhere, and could result in your losing your favoured-host status.

·       3) Your cat is a nocturnal animal and therefore needs to sleep during the daytime. Avoid making any unnecessary noise or causing disturbance during daylight hours and always ensure your cat has somewhere comfortable and warm to sleep. Robotic vacuum cleaners are a particular 'pet hate' of cats trying to sleep and should never be used during daylight hours.

·       4) Never raise your voice when ‘talking’ to your cat – it has highly sensitive hearing and will not appreciate the additional stress. Since it can always ‘tap into’ what you are thinking at all times via telepathic means, it has no real need of direct voice communication in any case.


First Published: 1.4.2023

                            Figure 1: Churchill Discussing Strategy with his Feline Advisor


                            Figure 2: Return of the 'Enforcer'


Interview with Larry the Cat 25.9.23

“…On the subject of HS2, I have always been reluctant to give this project my support. I felt from the start that it was likely to turn out to be a ‘white elephant’ and it has already proved to be a colossal waste of money that could have been usefully spent on other things. It was bound to suffer major cost overruns and was always unlikely to produce any train services until most  humans already in existence were either too old to care....or dead.

It now looks as though there will only be enough money in the existing budget to complete the London to Birmingham leg. Even if this is completed, all that will be gained is a 30 min shortening of the journey time. The ticket price tag is likely to require a small mortgage to afford, so trains will probably run half empty after the initial novelty has worn off. As a financial ‘black hole’, HS2 will leave the rest of our victorian rail network starved of funds, and the Northerners are quite rightly already up in arms again about levelling-up.

Trains are in any case nasty, noisy dangerous things as far as my feline colleagues and I are concerned, and have killed far too many of us already. The current high speed ones are bad enough, but the idea of new ones that go nearly twice as fast is positively abhorrent. 

It’s high time Cat Central put its collective foot down – I’ve recommended that HS2 be severely curtailed and eventually scrapped altogether. 

In addition we will introduce a requirement for all new trains to be fitted with high-efficiency cat detectors, such that the emergency brake will be applied automatically whenever a cat is detected within 50 metres of a rail line. This device will be retro-fitted to all existing trains over the next 2 years….

Enough is enough…”

Rail users beware - Larry has spoken.


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