Britain’s Worst Prime Minister ?

 

This post was first released in October 2022 as a response to the political 'crises' of the time. Note the more recent updates at the end of the main text - nothing really changes, does it.....

As a bit of light relief from the momentous events of recent weeks in politics, I thought I’d take a wry and admittedly somewhat irreverent look at what motivates our politicians….if Radio 4’s ‘News Quiz’ can get away with it each week, despite the BBC’s draconian rules on all things pc, then so can I…

In seemingly perpetual 'crisis' situations like this one,  as individuals we only really have two options - either to laugh or cry; I prefer to laugh – for now, at least.

Recent upsets at the top of the political tree, and the almost obsessive speculation about the outcome of yet another leadership race in the media, prompted me last week to ask myself the question: 

“Why on earth would anyone actually want to be PM at a time like this ?”

The role is, after all, a positively toxic one from a career point of view, and almost certain to result in political oblivion for anyone even contemplating taking it on, usually ensuing within weeks of their appointment. It also involves great personal stress, and the inevitable sense of loss when the trappings of power are taken away (although probably tinged with a sense of relief by that time).

Indeed, so frequent a phenomenon has this become that Sir Graham Brady, in his role as Chairman of the 1922 Committee, has already complained of being overworked, and has reputedly indented for a ceremonial gold-encrusted hood and matching scythe to aid him in his duties as the official ‘grim reaper’ of PMs.

At best, ex PMs can expect a potentially lucrative lecture tour for a short while before they disappear from public consciousness, and possibly the odd pre-publication advance or two on their memoirs. Even the tax-free annual allowance for life of £115k they get to help them with the process of their 'rehabilitation' to normal life is likely to disappear in the next wave of austerity cuts (or at least be duration-limited to prevent Liz Truss for cashing in after only 44 days as PM.)

I had just about given up on finding an answer…..when suddenly the penny dropped - it's because they all want to go down in history as:

             ‘The Worst Prime Minister We Ever Had’….

At first sight you might think, as most of us ‘lesser’ mortals would, that an ‘honour’ such as this would be something to avoid like the plague. However, politicians are a different breed, and the most ambitious of them positively crave notoriety – of almost any sort.

We all have within us a secret desire for our ‘five minutes of fame’ – the success of reality TV, and the ‘cult’ of celebrity we’re so keen on at present demonstrates this beyond doubt. In politicians, this psychological trait is much stronger, almost to the point of obsession in some, hence the apparent, and at first sight mysterious, drive towards self-destruction. 

And this urge isn’t limited to Tory politicians – Keir Starmer has been crying out for a General Election for decades (well, it certainly seems that long !) and most of the other opposition parties’ leadership teams have more recently followed suit, so it’s obvious they all want to ‘have a go’ at the title…

On the assumption that this one could become big business for the bookies, let’s have a quick look at the possibilities…

We first need to decide on what constitutes ‘worstness’ in this context. Is it the extent of the damage to our economy/national reputation or the speed with which it was caused ? Or is it a measure of general incompetence, or just the sheer ability of the candidate to cause a sense of extreme irritation in the electorate ?

Not as simple as it looks, is it ?....

I can see a ‘points-based’ system developing here to head-off  concerns about subjectivity. 

While we’re waiting for this new system to emerge, and at risk of being a little subjective, I’ll take a brief look at the 'form' of the principal contenders.

‘Our Liz’ is clearly right up there, given the sheer speed at which she managed to trash our economic and political reputation. However, it’s early days, and she does already have some strong candidates from recent history to beat. 

Gordon Brown is probably the front-runner in this group, both on grounds of his highly efficient emptying of the Treasury before his departure, despite (or perhaps because of) his long experience as Chancellor, and also for his uncanny ability to annoy the electorate when supposedly ‘off camera’. Teresa May runs him a close second for her masterly incompetence in judging the ‘best’ time to have an election, and how to manage the aftermath thereafter, the result being an uncomfortably close shave with the evils of Corbynism, and two years of Brexit-induced parliamentary chaos to follow. David Cameron also makes an easy third for ‘throwing his rattle out of the pram’ and holding the EU membership referendum far too soon after his initial negotiations with the EU in 2015 failed to produce results. We all know what the result of that was....

More recent candidates for the prize include Rishi (aka Prudence) Sunak, who has now thrown all caution to the winds and actually accepted the job. 'The Boris’ himself,  disappointed in his lack-lustre performance first time round, was obviously itching to have another go at the title, but withdrew from the race, to the disappointment of half the party, who felt they might have had a winner at last. (Bojo may already have taken solace from last night's time-lord revelations and thought 'if Dr Who can do it, so can I', and could yet rise again like the Phoenix from the ashes). Penny M was never really likely to disrupt Rishi's expected 'coronation'. Her policies look far too sensible to have put her in seriously in the running...

I wouldn’t discount Jeremy Hunt as a ‘surprise’ candidate in future, though, despite his apparent unwillingness to deviate from his rather boring task of saving the country’s finances. Jeremy may well be cleverly ‘keeping his powder dry’ for a strategic attempt at the title a bit further down the line, when the current political and economic dust cloud has settled - and the field has narrowed. Although he will have ‘blotted his copy book’ in the incompetence stakes somewhat by recklessly steadying the Markets and getting us off the hook with the IMF, there will be plenty of time for a comeback on the back of a surprise spending-spree later on. As Chancellor he would of course, be well-placed to do this. 

Last but not least, Kemi Badenoch - although perhaps not the most obvious future candidate for the job based on her discouragingly competent record so far, she should probably be given a ‘wildcard’ entry based on her 'moniker' alone – to see if she is, in fact, ‘Bad-Enough’ (...see what I did there ?!).

It’s a little too early to try and calculate the odds – I’ll leave that to the bookies and their punters.

The entrepreneurs among you will no doubt have already realised that the ‘book’ on this could profitably be expanded further to include an even more exciting and diverse field:

“The Worst PM we Never had….”.

The list of possible champions here would be even more voluminous, with the obvious prime candidate being ‘Our Jeremy’, with heavyweights like Neil (aka Glenys) Kinnock, and Michael (aka Worzel-Gummidge) Foot running him a close second.

The possibilities are almost endless….

Final Thoughts

Well, I’ve probably managed to insult more or less everyone I can think of in political ‘high places’....past and present.

If I have left you off the list, my apologies. Never fear – once the franchise takes off, the political pundits and the bookies will ensure you get your chance - if you’re really ‘bad-enough’....

PS If I do end up in ‘The Tower’ for my sins, I understand it’s quite comfy since Henry 8th installed loft insulation, under-floor heating and a jacuzzi for his 'frequent fliers' in 1537 after customer services there were deluged with complaints about the draughts. Charles 1st's posthumous Trip Advisor review following his winter ‘holiday’ there in early 1649 described the Beefeater Personal Service as ‘simply out of this world’. 

Sounds quite an attractive prospect this winter, given that we won’t be able to afford to switch the heating on at home….Happy days….

Viv

Update 25.10.22: All over bar the shouting, then - Rishi rides again. Much rejoicing in British Asian ranks - a nice Diwali present for them for sure. Let's hope he can lay the 'ghosts of Christmas (or should it now be Diwali ?) Past' to rest and revive our collective fortunes. 

Pretty long odds on his chances for the title, I'm afraid, with most bookies only offering 100:1 at best. A good time for a speculative punt possibly, just in case the 'curse of the Tories' triumphs again and knocks him off his perch before 2024.

Update 22.2.24: Well, it's still all to play for...Parliament in chaos again, this time over Gaza, and the competition is hotting up nicely in the run up to the election.... 

'Our Rishi' has defied predictions and is still managing to cling on to his job despite his (predictable) plummeting popularity with just about everyone.  I suspect everyone else in the party has already 'given up the ghost' and would rather he took the post-election 'flack' rather than any of them. His odds for the title are still pretty long, though, and probably not worth a speculative punt at this stage - plenty of mess-ups during his tenure but nothing catastrophic enough - as yet. 'The Jez' is probably not in contention on present form, but could play a blinder by lowering income tax thresholds, raising the basic rate and abolishing the personal allowance and IHT in his March budget. If he then manages to pull off a surprise leadership challenge after Rishi finally gets his visit from Graham Brady, he could be a serious contender for the title. The only real longer-term prospect in tory ranks is Kemi Badenoch who is likely keeping her powder dry pending the expected election aftermath and could well be a serious contender if the tories get back into power in 2028-9. 

On the opposition benches the prospects are now much better and we do have some more promising candidates. Starmer is of course the most immediate 'bookies choice', but may quickly fall by the wayside - paradoxically, if actually elected, his tenure may not be sufficiently long to qualify him for the title. The inevitable Momentum  'coup', which could occur within weeks of his entering Downing Street, would leave him little time to really mess things up - only a 'Trussian masterstroke' would do the job, and his natural caution would be likely to stifle any such enterprise. 'Our Angela' is probably a better prospect, given that her tenure post-coup could last as long as a couple of years if she bows to the Momentum 'party line', and her  hard left-imposed policies would stand an excellent chance of trashing our economic reputation once again.

What would I recommend as a really speculative punt ? George Galloway would be one option - you could probably get odds of 1000:1 or more just now , and George will keep plugging on until he gets in somewhere. But how about 'The Graham' himself  for a real off-the-wall choice ? A lot of 'ifs and buts' here, but if he stood for the leadership and won in opposition, he could lead the party to an election victory in 2029. If he then refused to resign his 1922 committee role, he would be in an excellent position to survive a visit from himself as chairman, and would therefore be immune from the 'tory curse' which has beset its leaders since Victorian times.

Happy punting.....

First published October 2022