Some thoughts on the Jubilee Revelations regarding the Royal Handbag

 

So now we know….the long- awaited secret of what her majesty keeps in the Royal Handbag has been revealed. Or has it…..

The fascinating glimpse we were treated to last weekend into a familiar, but hitherto completely opaque, receptacle actually poses more questions than it answers…

Firstly there is the question of containment of the royal ‘emergency’ sandwich. My own experience of marmalade sandwiches is that they have minds of their own.... 

On the occasions when one is careless enough to drop a full-slice marmelade sandwich, not only do the wretched things always manage to split apart into their constituent slices on the way down, but both slices invariably end up preserve-side down on the deck. 

I’ve never managed to divine how or why this happens, but I’m reliably informed it’s something to do with the Coriolis force….if so, it would be interesting to see whether the slices fall marmalade-side up in the Southern hemisphere.

However, I digress….back to the topic in hand....

Although as a male, I’m clearly not qualified to comprehend the mysteries of, or indeed the rationale for, the contents of the average lady’s handbag, it is evident that its variety and volume will make the containment problem much more acute when dealing with sandwiches of any kind - let alone marmalade ones. Without adequate containment, one shudders to think what would happen to the inside of the Royal Handbag, given the frequent movement it will experience during a Royal visit and the presence of any additional Royal contents (see here for more details of what might be present).

The emergence of an apparently pristine marmelade sandwich during the BBC video, without any obvious manipulations of conventional wrappings such as silver foil, paper bags, etc. from the Royal Handbag, (trumping by far Paddington Bear’s lacklustre and somewhat moth-eaten effort),  suggest her majesty has already solved this conundrum. If she has, fusion reactor designers the world over might welcome some advice from the palace regarding their problems finding efficient ways to contain super-heated plasma….

Then there is the question of freshness. Although I’m not conversant with the 'sell-by' and 'best-before' dates allocated to marmalade sandwiches by the Food Standards Agency, or the conditions under which these are established, the freshly-made product must surely have a limited lifetime ‘intra-handbag’ to avoid the risk of Royal food poisoning. What controls are applied to ensure the safety of the monarch, and who monitors them ?

Last, but not least, is the well-established role of the handbag as a Royal signalling device. The secret and highly sensitive electronics with which it must surely be bristling in order to achieve its function as a secure communications 'handset' will need to be protected against damage from 'rogue' marmelade sandwiches....if this information is not still subject to the 30-year rule, perhaps it  could be de-classified for the benefit of all ?

I can see all this becoming the subject of a Parliamentary Select Committee Enquiry at the very least.

Come on, your majesty – you can’t just leave us hanging after those tantalising revelations at the weekend – do tell all…..

Viv

PS Joking apart, well done, your majesty - the Paddington interview was a brilliant idea and superbly performed, providing a notable and highly entertaining highlight of the Jubilee weekend. As always, you provide a shining light for us all in these difficult times...

Postscript 17.9.22: Sadly, the inevitable has now happened - thanks, ma'am for all your selfless devotion over 70+ years....and your wonderful sense of humour and worldly wisdom. Let's hope your emergency stock of marmelade sandwiches survives the trip and sustains you in the next world...

Version date 17.9.22

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